As you know, it’s been hard times around here at the moment. The last time I wrote I told you that my dad had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I wasn’t going to come back to the blog yet, but strangely, writing on the blog makes me feel calm. I guess it’s an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, which have mostly been held down while we try to navigate the path that dads cancer has brought us down.
Dad’s cancer has progressed, as the oncologist predicted. It would seem that there will be no miracle for dad. Every day that ends is one day closer to his final day, and his final day is getting closer than I want to think about. My dad not being here, is not something I’ve been able to wrap my head around, most of the time, the whole thing seems surreal.
Dad barely eats now, and his weight has dropped to 40kg. He has become so fragile, so weak. It’s so difficult to see him as a shadow of the man he once was. It’s so difficult to watch him fade away from life. I keep trying to get my head into a space where I can accept of of this, but it just doesn’t happen.
There are good days, and those give me false hope, I start to trick myself into believing he is going to be fine after all, but the good days are always followed by bad days, and on the bad days it’s very clear where this is all headed.
Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.
Everyone I know who’s been through this keeps telling me to talk to my dad, tell him all the things I need to while I can. The thing is, I don’t know what I need to say to him. The only thing I can think that I need him to know is that I love him, and I tell him that a lot. I’m sure there is stuff we should talk about, things that we should say, but I just don’t know what they are.
And it’s at this point in my life that I realize all the other “stuff” that our lives get bogged down in or distracted by, none of it really matters. We seem to be masters at distracting ourselves from the things that really truly matter in life. The things that should be priorities are often pushed aside for pointless things.
We have been home for the last 2 weeks, I ended up getting sick with the flu and had to come home. I’ve called dad everyday for a chat, but not being able to be there has been very hard.I’m much better now though, so Ash and I are headed up to Canberra tomorrow. It’s my parents 40th wedding anniversary on the weekend and we’ve been planning a small family party, something to celebrate with dad before he is gone.
I’ll be back here Monday to share our weekend with you, and hopefully it will be a happy post filled with memories that we’ve created.
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